Adult Children…

Chapter 5

This chapter talks about externalizer and internalizers regarding how children grow up and handle relationships with emotionally immature parents. I already can guess that I’m an internalizer. However, if this book has taught me one thing so far it’s that people are often on a spectrum and I most likely have behaviors of both.

This chapter starts with talking about how children in these situations will often engage in behaviors where they develop a “healing-fantasy” and “finding a special role” in order to cope. I scoffed at first and then when I did the exercises to identify mine, I was surprised at how much it affected me. My true self took a backseat to what my parent’s felt they needed and was squashed in order to secure a place in the family that they would find appealing. I always felt like I needed to change myself to fit the idealized version of what they wanted. This manifests in my adulthood as thinking my emotional loneliness will be healed by a partner who loves me no matter what. I had no idea that included putting my partner through little tests of love to try and force my healing fantasy onto my husband, like smoking and being worried that. he will judge and leave me if I do despite me wanting to stop the habit. My role-self, while not developed consciously, still holds power over my adult persona and I want to move forward from it and grow into my true-self. The following are the questions and my answers to identifying my “healing-fantasy” and my “role-self,” in addition to my reflections based off of them. The emotional reactions I had when writing and reflecting on these still shows myself that I need to process the feelings and gain acceptance.

Healing Fantasy Prompt Answers- I wish other people were more kind. Why is it so hard for people to be nice. For a change, I would love someone to treat me like I wasn’t bad. Maybe one of these days my parents will love me. In an ideal world with good people, other people would love me despite my faults.

I feel valued when people are nice to me. I feel valued when people accept me despite my faults. I feel valued when people love me regardless of my mistakes.

My parents were often mean and uncaring towards me. I did not get a lot of positive interactions or affection from my parents. Most of the time I received ambivalence or indifference as long as I was acting as they wanted. I rarely was told that I was “good” or praised for who I was. This has created an ingrained fear that I am unlovable and “bad” because of my faults and imperfections.

However, I am not “bad.” My mistakes don’t ruin me. I am worthy and lovable, including my short comings and issues. I am deserving of love and praise even if I make mistakes. I can make poor decisions and still be a good person. I am smart and capable including when I’m not perfect.

Role-Self Prompt Answers- I try hard to be good. The main reason people like me is because I listen to them/obey them. Other people don’t appreciate how much I try. I always have to be the one who has it together. I’ve tried to be the kind of person who doesn’t make mistakes.

In order to be loved I need to be “good”. In order to be loved I need to obey what the people I care for say. In order to be loved I need to not make mistakes and have “it” together at all times.

I was often told that I was lazy or “bad.” I had to obey orders and expectations to receive love or positive interactions/affirmations. Whenever there was deviation, it was met with verbal and/or physical consequences/punishment. This has created an ingrained fear of getting in trouble, and not being “good” enough.

However, I am not lazy or “bad.” I don’t have to obey the wants of others to receive love. I don’t have to have “it” together at all times, that’s not realistic, and that doesn’t make me a bad person. If I’m making an effort to be genuine, then I’m doing good and what’s best for me.

The characteristics of an internalizer that I recognize in myself include the following” [worrying about the future, thinking solutions start on the inside, being thoughtful and empathetic “what can I do to make things better?,” thinking of what could happen, overestimating difficulties, trying to figure out what’s going on, looking for their role in causing a problem: “what’s my part in this?,” believing emotions can be managed, feeling guilty easily, considering changing self to improve the situation, requesting dialogue about a problem, and wanting to help others understand why there is a problem.”

This has shown me that I am an internalizer. A sensitive person who loves to learn things and believes that I can get better by trying harder. My main sources of anxiety are feeling guilty when I think I’ve displeased others. I have fairly low self-confidence and depend on external soothing for comfort though. I need to become an internalizer who is accountable for their own change and feels and believes that so I act on it. I’d really like to return to using my own inner coping as the way to solve my problems.