Adult Children…

Chapter 6

I have identified as being an internalizer and this chapter goes over some characteristics of what that means. As always some of it applied and some did not, but more often than not I felt like I was reading about myself and my struggles.

I’ll start by saying I never felt truly connected to my parents. It may seem weird since they raised me and I often spent my time at home with them until college when I could escape. However, there was usually an invisible wall separating us. I never felt completely safe and often felt like I needed to perform the role of the good child in order to stay safe. Or hide from them and express my true self while I was alone. That made it feel very lonely.

When I tried to express my feelings that were counter to what my parents believed it was usually met with disregard, contempt, or some mix of both. I don’t remember a time where I felt like I was listened to or my opinions were valued if they didn’t align with theirs. That also made the feeling of loneliness grow. Now I feel like I over compensate and look for any sign or interpretation of my partner emotionally withdrawing from me, to the point where I’m seeing issues that aren’t actually there. I’m so afraid of the loneliness and separation that I try to be extremely sensitive to the quality of emotional intimacy in my relationships. Which can ultimately be a detriment as I have come to learn because it erodes trust.

Every time I try to think about what I bring to a relationship it’s not my own characteristics that I think of, but of what I can do for the other person. It didn’t used to be that way. I was confident in my intellect and personality at one point, but that has eroded back to thinking I’m only as good as what I provide for the other person. It is a very self-hating thought process since it degrades me to a lesser being who can only be valued if serving another. Which is exactly how I felt growing up. I don’t know why I have regressed to this state of being, but it shows just how insecure and full of self-doubt that I am. I question if I’m being generous or thoughtful or engaging enough all throughout the day. It’s exhausting trying to analyze my actions and motives constantly. Somewhere along the way the voice inside me stopped saying I can and started saying what if and I can’t. I am my own harshest critic and I am very harsh and critical. Even if its as simple as mistyping a word, like as I write this, my first thought is I should have been able to do it better and not make the mistake in the first place.

I have rarely sought help for any of these feelings either. That is part of my problem. I often downplay my issues as being over ‘silly things’ or ‘stupid stuff.’ That is also what has gotten me to this point of change in my life. I bottled so much up for so long that it finally spilt over and negatively affected myself and those that I love. I really regret that. But being in therapy now and talking about my issues feels like I’m better able to process a lot of the turmoil in my head and heart and is helping me move through some of my problems and struggles. It feels better than trying to solve things on my own and feeling like I have to manage it by myself. It’s still hard seeking help but it’s getting easier little by little. Including showing any strong emotions. I am often embarrassed by showing strong emotions like anger or sadness. It has felt like as a child I had to become tough and handle things on my own and I’ve developed a rejecting attitude towards my own feelings. So far as I’ve learned to keep a distance from painful feelings like anger or sadness. However, slowly it’s happening more and more, and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay to show those vulnerabilities now whereas when I was a child it was negatively reciprocated. I had to learn the hard way that my parents would not do the emotion work to help me with my feelings so I pushed them down and tried to not feel them.

I’ve grown up to subconsciously believe that neglecting oneself is a sign of being a good person. And that has caused me to increase the amount of insecurity and self-doubt within myself. I was never taught how to engage in good emotional self-care due to the fact that my parents didn’t prioritize or value those needs of rest, sympathy, and respect. They didn’t notice when we were getting overwhelmed or trying to hard. I often remember my mother coming to me and asking me what was wrong with one of my other sisters when they seemed emotionally distant or upset. I was supposed to be the bridge between their feelings and my mother’s understanding of our emotions. That fed into my connection that self-sacrifice and doing the emotional work for others would transform my own relationships. It created my role-self of rescuer, where I try to help others to the point of self-neglect. I see it often emerge in my dreams where I try to save my family members from zombies, vampire, natural disasters, or any other manner of danger. All of this has led me to the knowledge that it’s hard to give up the fight to be loved mentality. I had to earn my love for so long that despite being with someone who doesn’t expect that of me, I still intrinsically feel it and act upon it. However, I want to stop these thoughts and feelings. I want to grow into the self-loving and confident woman that I know I can be. And I know that means that I need to invest in myself and give myself grace.